As bitcoin crashes, Poilievre vows to find new volatile fad to tie Canadian economy to

OTTAWA – In the wake of this week’s trillion dollar crypto-market meltdown, Conservative leadership candidate Pierre Poilievre has vowed to find an even riskier and more fraud-prone investm…

Conservative Party of Canada vows not to change ambiguous stance on abortion

OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada has announced that, despite the growing pro-life movement in the United States government, Canadians can rest easy knowing that they won’t know the…

“Wanna see me open it with my teeth?” says frat boy operating the roof at the Rogers Centre

BLUE JAY WAY, TORONTO – In a misguided effort to impress someone, Sigma Chi president and Rogers Centre roof operator Andrew “Smitty-boy” Smith is claiming he can open the stadium roof with his t…

Attractive woman doesn’t understand why no one will tell her about Bitcoin

CALGARY – Local restaurant hostess and former beauty queen Sonia Norris is desperate for a man to tell her about Bitcoin, and can’t fathom why none of them will. “Nothing turns me on …

“We pay a living wage” Brags restaurant that only schedules 3 hour shifts

PETROLIA, ON – White Fox Gastropub wooed the local community today by announcing that they will pay employees a living wage despite only scheduling four three-hour shifts per week. “I’m her…

Five subtle ways to tell your friends you’re a ketamine guy now

[EDITOR: If you don’t know what ketamine is, get hip! It’s a horse tranquilizer that’s made its way to the streets, a possible therapeutic treatment for depression, and a dissociative substance t…

Toronto Police launch task force to send guns from Toronto to Ukraine

TORONTO – In an effort to help Ukraine in the ongoing war with Russia, Toronto Police announced yesterday that they will be launching a special task force that will look to recover illegal …

Local man’s emotional well being still entirely dependent on sport controlled by these idiots

TORONTO – Local man Geoff Mclaughlin has confirmed that, at the age of 35, his entire emotional state still rides on the results of a game whose outcome is often left entirely in control of…

Pervert astronomers posting hole

WASHINGTON, DC – An international conglomerate of horndog scientists have made the news by posting hole on main. “The hole we’ve discovered is dense and tight,” said Event Horizon Telescope spoke…

Uh oh! We told this graduating class they can do anything and they believed us!

Oh hell, we really did it this time. We were asked to give a speech at the graduation of a local high school and carelessly ended it with a generic encouraging statement about how they can achiev…