Food banks dissolve after Canadian families find missing $13.99/month needed to avoid starvation - The Beaverton
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Food banks dissolve after Canadian families find missing $13.99/month needed to avoid starvation

OTTAWA — On advice from Minister of Finance to cut wasteful spending such as their + subscriptions, thousands of struggling Canadian families were finally able to scrounge up the $13.99/month needed to not starve to death rendering all food banks obsolete.

Outside the now-shuttered Ottawa Food Bank, The Beaverton caught up with Irena Grinberga, one of the 40,000 who once relied on the service.

“Things were dire. We did everything to make ends meet: clipping coupons, buying on discount, even skipping meals. Yet we never considered we could save money by not spending it on things.” said Grinberga. ”My three children loved Baby Yoda but I’m sure they will love not having rickets more.”

”It broke my heart to see these people lined up around the block every morning,” remarks Jason Caldwell, the former food bank director. “With nothing but access to all 117 episodes of Doug to warm them in the cold.”

“I can’t describe the joy on their faces when the news broke that instead of paying for access to 32 seasons of The Simpsons and only watching the first 10that they could use that money to buy food!”, he continued. 

“Technically, I guess they could have both by buying the DVD box sets but honestly using a DVD player sounds worse than starving to death.”

Despite this massive almost $14 windfall, the Canadian government has pledged it will continue to help struggling families by finding things it deems as unnecessary to cut from its citizens’ budgets.

It might be tempting to hold out, especially with the ‘Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special’ just around the corner,” said Freeland, clarifying her prior statements. “But while watching Groot and the gang engage in festive shenanigans might be satisfying, it will not fulfil your basic nutritional needs. 

At press time, Freeland called a press conference to announce she had found the solution to the housing crisis after noticing a $1.50 surcharge for guacamole on her Subway receipt.