WASHINGTON, DC ― According to reports from teachers in dozens of states, the classic excuse “my dog ate it” has been displaced in favour of citing the futility of studying for a life that will be…
Education
Average number of languages spoken by North Americans falls to 0.7
VANCOUVER, BC ― A new analysis from the University of British Columbia has found that the number of languages in which an average North American adult is proficient enough to converse has fallen …
Florida student arrested after accidentally using wrong gender articles in Spanish class
LAKE CITY, FL ― A 10th-grade student has been taken into custody after she asked a friend to borrow “una bolígrafo” despite having been clearly taught that pens are male and should only be refere…
Lazy, entitled teacher to spend entire weekend grading essays again
Strathmore, AB ― Sources confirm that local 11th- and 12th-grade English literature teacher Marian Jansen has already made plans for the weekend, and they once again involve just sitting around o…
Gym teacher joins class game of dodgeball instead of going to therapy
RED DEER, AB – A class game of dodgeball at West Valley Elementary School was rocked this past Thursday when the gym teacher decided to vent his frustrations by joining in the game. Student…
Teacher either using Socratic method or just winging it
EDMONTON – According to sources in Mr. Lawrence’s Grade 11 English class, no one is sure if their teacher is leading them through an ingenious Socratic dialogue or just talking out of his ass. “…
47,000 Bryces graduate from business school
CALGARY – As universities around Canada conclude their academic year, thousands upon thousands of young men named Bryce are graduating from their respective business schools. “I can’t wait to beg…
Uh oh! We told this graduating class they can do anything and they believed us!
Oh hell, we really did it this time. We were asked to give a speech at the graduation of a local high school and carelessly ended it with a generic encouraging statement about how they can achiev…
Seneca College unveils slogan “Seneca: The Harvard of Eastern Finch/Don Mills”
EASTERN FINCH/DON MILLS – Seneca College has undergone a rebrand, and is now calling itself “The Harvard of Eastern Finch/Don Mills.” “It’s time to toot our own horn a little,” said Seneca …
Universities promise students can skip final exams if in-person learning causes them to die
NATIONWIDE – With Canadian universities resuming on-site classes after the latest COVID wave, several institutions announced new policies allowing students to miss final exams in the event …