REGINA, SK – Local school teacher Max Hammond is concerned that if one of his students doesn’t start focusing more in class, they will miss out on being forcibly led to adopt a more left-wing viewpoint.
“I’m just trying to do my job, namely shaping these impressionable young minds into considering ideas and feelings they could never reach on their own,” says Hammond, who teaches 6th grade at Caswell Public Elementary School. “But every time I get ready to shove some gender theory down Travis’ throat, he’s just doodling in his notebook, making spitballs, or watching Tiktok.”
“Needless to say, I’m very concerned. Travis scored the lowest in the class in his Advanced Analingus midterm. If this trend continues he won’t get into women’s college, and then never become the soyboy beta cuck I know he can be!”
Hammond insists he has tried everything to ensure his pupil is steered towards coming out as non-binary, and thusly won’t have to be held back a grade. “As a modern educator, sometimes the subtle approach works best. I assigned The Right Hand of Darkness as his book report, started addressing the class lizard with they/them pronouns, and bribed the French teacher to forget to teach the masculine/feminine stuff. If all else fails, I may see about assigning (Travis) a study buddy. Kay is gender non-conforming at an 8th level.”
Asked why he works so hard to indoctrinate the minds of impressionable young children, Hammond explains his mission. “Twisting the minds of tomorrow’s youth really is its own reward,” notes the teacher. “Plus, where else can you turn an entire generation of children against their parents, AND earn a low 5 figure salary where I have to purchase most of my own supplies and work late into the night grading papers and doing lesson plans.”
Still, Hammond is concerned that his stated project to twist and pervert the young student minds in his care could yet be derailed. “Hopefully, my educational trickery gets Travis up to non-binary speed, before a bunch of loud parents form a convey. That would be the one and only thing that can stop me dead in my cross-dressing tracks.”
Hammond’s struggle to get Travis to understand gender non-conformity against his will is reportedly not unique to his classroom. Even teachers of classes with high brainwashing averages report at least one problem child who is too much of a free thinker to embrace the oppressively liberal teachings of the public school system. This has led to an increased number of parent-teacher conferences across the province, where the teachers hope to indoctrinate the parents and thus make their jobs easier.
Caswell Public has made several changes over the years to ensure the safe mental brainwashing of children. These include adding non-binary washrooms, a Comparative Religion class that explains why they are all equally bad, and a science program that really drives home that God doesn’t exist.
At press time, an exhausted Mr. Hammond was putting a video for the class, hoping the subliminal messaging of RuPaul’s Drag Race would do the trick.