OTTAWA – As graduating high school seniors across the country look forward to starting post-secondary education, students from the Carleton University class of 2027 are excited to begin the four-year process of pretending that Carleton was the school they’d really wanted to get into.
“I just think that, like, McGill and U of T and UBC are so overdone. They’re like, a total cliché at this point,” said incoming Health Sciences student Sahar Reilly. “I wanted to go off the beaten path and look for something really special, the kind of education you can only get at MacLean’s Magazine’s fifth-ranked comprehensive university.”
Reilly continued, “I want to follow in the footsteps of Canada’s greats, like former Ottawa city counsellor Catherine Kitts, and the dude who plays the drums in Arcade Fire.”
“Carleton University is renowned for its amazing journalism program and excellent basketball team,” said incoming student Aaron Kolhauser, reading from a school pamphlet. “So I am excited to see what other dying industries and second-tier sports conferences I can excel at here.”
“There’s really just nowhere else that comes close to having that infectious Carleton school spirit,” said incoming Humanities student Layla Greyson. “Go… what is it? Ravens? Seriously? What, was every other animal already taken?”
Other students chose to focus on the merits of living in Ottawa, a city widely admired across the country for being roughly a two hour drive to Montreal.
“I mean, yeah, Vancouver, Toronto and Montreal all have incredible arts scenes, amazing food, and nightlife that people travel from all over the world to enjoy,” said incoming Biology student Jennifer Fang, standing in front of the squat, blocky buildings making up Ottawa’s “The Glebe” neighbourhood. “But who wouldn’t gladly give all that up for the chance to occasionally run into former Prime Minister Paul Martin at the grocery store?”
A survey of incoming Carleton students indicated that 87% planned to feign excitement about skating on the Rideau canal, an activity they would ultimately partake in a total of one time when cousin Alex visited from Toronto.
