PICKERING, ON ― A scathing new report released today has found that local 52-year-old Linda Pike’s mid-life crisis is every university student’s dream problem, and that they probably won’t notice…
Tag: university
University class discussion forum used exclusively to ask questions already answered in class
OTTAWA, ON ― The latest analysis of a local first-year North American History course discussion forum has revealed that every one of the 173 questions posted there was already answered in class. …
Top 5 courses at Jordan Peterson’s new University
Jordan Peterson has unveiled his “anti-woke” University: Peterson Academy. Which is definitely a real university and not just Conservative MasterClass. Being the curious intellectuals…
Olympic anti-sex beds to be donated to college dorms
PARIS – After much deliberation leading up to this year’s event, the International Olympics Committee has decided what to do with the Olympic Village’s infamous anti-sex beds – they will donate t…
Nova Scotians board up windows and gather supplies in preparation for incoming Dalhousie Students
HALIFAX – Following a trying summer of forest fires and floods, Halifax once again scrambles to ready themselves for its next force majeure: the annual deluge of wealthy Ontarians to Dalhou…
University’s 2-Factor authentication stymies hacker trying to do other people’s homework
CALEDON, ON ― A local hacker’s nefarious plot to maliciously log into a first-year student’s account and do their algebra was frustrated this week, thanks to the foresight of administrators who r…
Incoming first year students excited to pretend Carleton University was their first choice
OTTAWA – As graduating high school seniors across the country look forward to starting post-secondary education, students from the Carleton University class of 2027 are excited to begin the…
Human embodiment of all the worst people in your poli sci seminar running for conservative leader
OTTAWA – Observers at universities across the country have reported that current conservative leadership front-runner Pierre Poilievre has managed the impressive feat of embodying a compreh…
Engineer who graduated ten years ago discovers traces of purple paint behind ear
TORONTO – An engineer who graduated a full decade ago has discovered he still has a bit of purple paint behind his ear. Cole Sterling was just a bright-eyed and moderately drunk engineering stude…
Seneca College unveils slogan “Seneca: The Harvard of Eastern Finch/Don Mills”
EASTERN FINCH/DON MILLS – Seneca College has undergone a rebrand, and is now calling itself “The Harvard of Eastern Finch/Don Mills.” “It’s time to toot our own horn a little,” said Seneca …