COLUMBUS, OH – Jack Smarnoff, CEO of tech firm Confinity AI, is reportedly confused as to why the graduating class of Ohio State University are loudly booing his commencement speech, specifically the point where he referred to them as “unprofitable meat relics”.
“I look out at all you graduates and think of all the potential you would have, if it weren’t for my firm’s cutting edge LLMs that will god-willing render all of you analog value-sinks unemployable,” the on-paper billionaire began as his speech visibly too a turn for the worse with the assembled graduates.
According to eyewitnesses, the speech continued to be poorly received as Smarnoff referred to graduates degrees as “not worth the non-digital paper they were printed on”. Students could be heard audibly booing as Smarnoff read inspiring quotes from Galileo, Albert Einstein, and Elon Musk, all of which has been fabricated whole cloth by Confinity AI’s proprietary LLM neural network.
“I don’t get the hostility. You’d think these bright-eyed young anthropoid labor vacuums would be eager to listen to my advice, and then beg me for jobs as DoorDash drivers in the brief window before we deploy drones to do that job as well,” Smarnoff posted to X, mid-speech.
Confinity AI was founded by Smarnoff, and bills itself as “an industry leader in using forward-looking compute to buy up and maximize the prices on previously-affordable housing”. The founding occurred in 2024, based off a business prospectus which simply read “AI = $$$”. This triggered a $125 million Series B funding round from the Y Combinator venture capital firm and the Iranian Republican Guard Corps Sovereign Wealth Fund.
Ohio State administrators chose Smarnoff as 2026 commencement speaker due to his generous donation of buying up the entire Department of Art in order to bulldoze it and build an AI data center on the land.
At press time, Smarnoff continues to be bewildered by the outright angry reaction to his commencement speech’s closing, in which he outlines the possibilities for graduates to sell their firstborns to Confinity AI to be used as human batteries in their data centers.
