TORONTO – One week after signing a 12 year deal for NHL broadcasting rights that cost twice as much as their last deal, Rogers CEO Tony Staffieri said the deal is an investment in the compa…
Dropped Conservative candidates horrified to realize other people can see their social media posts
OTTAWA – With less than a month to go until the federal election, candidates for the Conservative Party of Canada have been shocked and dismayed to learn that the things they post and share…
Want to buy Canadian? These politicians are up for sale!
In the wake of ongoing tariffs imposed by the Trump Administration, Canadians are looking for local alternatives to American products. For folks hoping to purchase the favour of a government offi…
Head of Elections Canada says all social media sites now on the honour system to not interfere with our elections, okay guys?
OTTAWA – In light of concerns that social media sites would be used to spread deliberate disinformation in order to sway the outcome of Canada’s upcoming federal election, Chief Electoral O…
Handy changes for the new year: Boxing and Fisting to trade names
SAN JUAN, PR – The World Boxing Organization (WBO) and the International Fisting Association (IFA) have agreed to an exchange of names for their respective activities as of Jan 1, 2025. Sta…
Local man hoping for Christmas miracle of Canada Post employees surrendering collective bargaining rights
Brandon, Manitoba – Robert Jones is praying for a miracle as the Canada Post strike enters its second week – the miracle of postal workers putting down their picket signs, shutting the fuck up, a…
Perfectionist police officer beats biracial man halfway to death
TORONTO, ON ― Local Toronto Police Service officer Jeremy Moriarty took great care during an initially routine traffic stop this week to unnecessarily escalate the situation to a degree of violen…
The Beaverton Is Dying. Unless You Save It
Beloved Readers, When we started The Beaverton we were just a bunch of smartasses trying to make each other laugh during our weekly meeting on the second floor of a disgusting pub behind Honest E…
Stoned guy at mass really enjoying Body of Christ
WINDSOR, ON — A stoned man attending Catholic mass this past weekend appeared to particularly enjoy the Communion wafers on offer. Jon Talbot, 34, popped an edible prior to attending mass with hi…
Trudeau, Colbert bond over shared status of ‘guys who were cool a decade ago’
NEW YORK CITY – Canadian PM Justin Trudeau appeared on The Late Show yesterday, where he and host Stephen Colbert got to enjoy reminiscing on how cool they were 8-10 years ago. “My ne…
