SILICON VALLEY – The CEOs of OpenAI, Anthropic, and GrokAI have released a statement agreeing that claiming artificial intelligence “could potentially kill all humans” sounds mu…
Trump reminisces about how he single-handedly prevented 9/11 from ever happening
WASHINGTON, D.C. — US President Donald Trump waxed nostalgic about how he single-handedly prevented the September 11 terrorist attacks from ever happening. Trump told a group of supporters that, …
Google Maps changes name to Lake America after people start to forget tech giants also pretty awful
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Google Maps has changed the name of Lake Ontario to “Lake America” for their U.S. users, after realizing President Trump’s willful malevolence had dist…
Rogers Centre posts detailed instructions on how to get to Rogers Stadium at every entrance
TORONTO – Following reports that thousands of people have mistakenly shown up to Rogers Centre for concerts happening at Rogers Stadium, the Rogers Centre has installed brand new signs outside ea…
Mark Carney promises to take climate change seriously once every other problem on Earth is solved
OTTAWA – After receiving criticism this week for abandoning the Trudeau-era climate plan, Prime Minister Mark Carney has assured Canadians worried about the already deadly effects of global…
Carney announces plan to privatize airports but still give them half a billion dollars once in a while
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced a funding model which would see Canada’s federally-owned and operated airports become 100% privately owned, but still get half a billion do…
The Beaverton will buy Doug Ford’s used private jet for $7,000.00
TORONTO – In a special offer The Beaverton has graciously offered to let Doug Ford escape from his embarrassing ‘I bought myself a private jet with taxpayer money’ scandal this …
Party that exists only to obtain power not sure what to do now
OTTAWA – Following two by-election wins that have allowed the Liberal Party of Canada to finally cement an electoral majority, Prime Minister Mark Carney has admitted that the party has abs…
Max Scherzer re-signs with Blues Jays for chance to win, get even with guy who cut him off on DVP
DUNEDIN, FL – In an effort to address unresolved trauma from the 2025 season, veteran pitcher ‘Mad’ Max Scherzer announced he will re-sign with the Toronto Blue Jays to give himself another shot …
Trump threatens tariffs on champagne so nobody can celebrate when he dies
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a whirlwind week at Davos, and despite backtracking on threats to annex Greenland, US President Donald Trump is still threatening to tariff Champagne to keep people fr…
