News in Photos…
Authentic plant-based meat adds gristly mushroom bits for consumers to gag on
EL SEGUNDO, CA – As part of their ongoing quest to create a plant-based meat that accurately mirrors real meat in every way, Beyond Meat has begun sprinkling inedible vegan gristle into the…
Ford takes innovative measure of keeping schools closed in July and August
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford made the bold pronouncement this afternoon that the closure of Ontario schools will continue for the remainder of June and – shockingly – extend into July and Aug…
Adorable! This boy found a bird with a broken wing, nursed it back to health, and then explained to it what NFTs are
OWEN SOUND, ON – A heartwarming scene unfolded earlier this week when nine-year-old Billy Simmons rescued a chickadee that had fallen out of its nest and gave it a crash course on non-fungible to…
Group interview takes turn when interviewer places single knife on table
BARRIE, ON – Amanda Torres remembers thinking her group interview for a position at Jenny’s Diner was going well – until her interviewer pulled a carving knife out of her bag. “The ma…
Sleep scientists announce they don’t know what the fuck to do with their arms when lying down either
MONTREAL – The nation’s top sleep researchers made a joint statement earlier today announcing that they too have no goddamn idea what to do with their arms when trying to sleep. Dr. Fran Mc…
Perfume sample in magazine announces Dior’s latest scent, “Magazine Page”
TORONTO – Readers of Elle were treated to a delightful surprise in this month’s issue with the inclusion of a scented insert promoting Dior’s newest fragrance. Dior has confirmed that longt…
Ghost of Christmas Future-Perfect tells man everything he will have done wrong
VANCOUVER – In a surprising twist on an old holiday tradition, 33-year-old Artem Brasso found himself visited by more than just the classic three Christmas spirits this Christmas Eve. Short…
5 new party drugs that are just you taking your antidepressants regularly
Worried about being out of the loop when this is all over and you can finally go back to clubbing? Fear not: we’ve assembled this handy list of the latest party drugs to emerge during the COVID-1…
“Just figure it out!” screams Jeff Bezos at underlings after hearing of man who provides overnight shipping worldwide on Christmas Eve
SEATTLE – On the heels of their most successful year yet, Amazon HQ was thrown into chaos this afternoon after CEO Jeff Bezos caught wind of a competitor potentially edging in on holiday profits.…