Worried about being out of the loop when this is all over and you can finally go back to clubbing? Fear not: we’ve assembled this handy list of the latest party drugs to emerge during the COVID-19 pandemic that are sure to give you that high* you’ve been craving!
1. Special FX(or)
Also known as venlafaxine, popping one of these babies at the same time every day is said to get your neurotransmitters firing, creating a sense of well-being that lasts all day (and night!) long. It can cause dry mouth, but that’s just another reminder for you to have one of your daily eight glasses of water! Stay happy and stay hydrated, you crazy sonsa bitches!
2. Paxil Romana
The Romans circa 27 BC may have thought they knew a thing or two about peace, but they’ve got nothing on these little pink pills! Taking one – with food, no one likes a bummy tummy – gives you such a sense of serenity that you’ll be ready to shower more than once every two weeks in no time.
Escitalopram is what ecstasy could be if it shut the fuck up about Bon Iver, got a job, and opened an RRSP. Use a lil pill organizer to keep track of when you’ve taken it to make sure you never again have to deal with everyone asking why your pupils are so fucking huge.
4. Shawty Got That Endorphin Flow, Flow, Flow, Flow, Flow, Flow, Flow
This is actually an oldie that’s making a comeback (just ask your dad). Simply overcome the constant fog of exhaustion that envelops you to perform thirty minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity every day and voila! The easiest entry on this list to obtain due to its low low price tag, it’s also the most infuriating to have someone recommend to you.
5. Silly Rabbit, Trintellix Are For Kids!
The name is a mouthful, but we promise these little pills are anything but! Easy to wash down along with a sip of OJ alongside your oatmeal, there’s no reason not to take it! Seriously. Just take the damn medicine as it has been prescribed.
* sense of emotional stability and capacity to function at the level of an average human being