VIRGINIA – Mars, Incorporated, the company behind M&Ms, announced yesterday that it would be making a concerted effort to make its popular colourful candy more globally relatable and in…
Breaking: Ontario teachers intentionally strand themselves in snowbanks for chance to actually speak with Doug Ford
ETOBICOKE — After reports surfaced that Doug Ford was spending Toronto’s first major blizzard of the year driving around helping drivers stranded by snow in his district, school teachers fr…
Ontario schools to notify parents about Covid exposures only if child’s head lice contracts virus
OTTAWA – Ontario’s Ministry of Health outlined back-to-school Covid-19 policies for teachers, students, and parents on Monday, explaining that moving forward, parents will only be notified …
Billionaire killed after accidentally trying to withdraw his money from the caimans
FLORIDA — Tragedy struck this week after famous billionaire Harold Yates was found mauled to death in a swamp. Investigations into his death revealed that the 85-year-old oil tycoon had died afte…
Canadian mothers reject Omicron variant: “We have perfectly good Delta at home!”
CANADA – Canadian mothers are soundly rejecting the new Omicron variant spreading across the globe on the grounds that we already have more than enough Delta variant at home. “The man on t…
“Yeah, baby, step on me,” moans kinky autumn leaf
PRINCE EDWARD COUNTY, ON – As the leaves change colour and drop from the trees in a gorgeous display of nature at its most spectacular, one particularly horny maple leaf has been spo…
Facing lawsuit, Blizzard argues female employees should have just acquired Anti-Harassment DLC
LOS ANGELES — After a lawsuit was recently filed against video game giant Activision Blizzard Inc. claiming that its female employees routinely experience sexual harassment, retaliation, an…
Cosby conviction overturned after court rules that at least 1000 more women needed to have come forward
PENNSYLVANIA — Despite being credibly accused of sexual assault by sixty women and serving just under three years of a possible 10 year sentence, Bill Cosby was released from prison today a…
Editorial: If we cancel Canada Day, how will I remember where I live?
By: Erin O’Toole Listen up, Canadians: I know that some of you, especially the radical left, want Canada Day cancelled because of the recent discoveries of thousands of Indigenous children in unm…
Ford refuses Red Cross aid after realizing red is a Liberal colour
TORONTO — The Federal Government offered to deploy the Canadian Red Cross today in order to provide Ontario with support for its vaccination clinics and healthcare system in the midst of a debili…