UNDISCLOSED, U.S.A – Thousands of callers seeking to report to ICE the recent irregular entry of foreigner and accused criminal Flávio Bolsonaro have been shocked to discover that their reports are going straight to voice-mail.
“Thank you for calling the ICE tipline,” the message stated, “at this time, all of our agents are busy apprehending people who have crossed into our country through unusual means……uh, I mean, busy capturing potential foreign criminals from south of our border who…. Uh, uh, uh, I don’t know Mike, how does that sound? I mean it still kind of sounds like it matches what that Brazilian guy….” A message prompt beep then interrupted the remainder.
Visibly sweaty ICE representatives apologized for not being able to respond and explained they’ve “just been sooooooooo busy lately” and like they can’t follow up on every little tip regardless of if the individual’s entry was featured on the front page of multiple national and international newspapers. According to the spokesperson, ICE agents have been told to avoid a very specific neighbourhood in Washington D.C. because of traffic or maybe an escaped wolf or something.
“Look, it’s not as though he’s an accused money launderer son of a convicted member of an armed criminal uprising without a valid passport who crossed multiple borders via uncertain methods and for uncertain reasons in order to enter the United States in a concealed fashion for uncertain purposes,” explained ICE representatives.
Along with the sudden unavailability of the tip line, ICE’s website has been taken down for maintenance and all Portuguese language representatives have been terminated. All field agents have been issued doctor’s notes excusing them immediately from duty to deploy in case they encounter someone asking why they don’t apprehend Bolsonaro since he’s right there.
The sudden absence of ICE in the face of the flood of reports appears to have begun damaging their brand and so, as a remedial measure, ICE has committed to doubling the number of American citizens they shoot this coming month.
