TORONTO, ON – Long time Raptors fan Dave Burkle admits to suffering unusual amounts of stress and anxiety during the Raptors historic playoff run.
“I feel like I lost 3 months off my life,” said Dave Burkle, who claims his distress, panic levels, and grey hairs are all on the rise due to the lack of Raptors playoff failures. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
Burkle, who did not expect to see a successful Raptors playoff run until at least 2030, says that he can barely function on a day-to-day basis.
“It’s getting really bad. Every time I see Kyle Lowry knock down a three-pointer I get hives all over my body,” said Burkle. “Can’t I just skip ahead to when Derozan leaves for LA and the team falls apart again?”
Therapists identify this condition as Post-Season Success Disorder (PSSD), which is extremely common among Toronto sports fans, who are forced to experience occasional successes followed by long fallow periods.
“I just need to hold on until the end of the Eastern Conference finals. There’s no way they could beat the Cavs,” said Burkle, picking obsessively at his nails. “Well maybe… No! No, they can’t.”
Dave has now embraced a new state of Zen and, to help other fans, he has started a Tai Chi group in Jurassic Park.
