KANSAS CITY – As the Canadian hockey romance Heated Rivalry gains popularity in the United States, conservative pundit Kirk Burnham’s attempt to stir up controversy over the show’s gay themes ended in tears over the “utterly beautiful” climax of the fifth episode.
The arch conservative host of the popular “Burnham Down Podcast” had reportedly set out to cater to his audience’s well-known culture war prejudices by hate-watching the popular romance series, only to end up a blubbering mess by the time Scott and Kip kiss, publicly declaring their love for one another.
“I w-w-want to do a 30-minute tirade about how insufferably w-w-woke this show is,” sobbed Burnham, as he paused and rewound the pivotal scene, “but they’ve just been through SO MUCH to get here! You go for it, boys! Love is love!”
Addressing all 3.2 million of his die-hard MAGA supporters, Burnham soon squealed with delight at the subsequent scene where Ilya calls Shane to accept the invitation to his cottage.
“AHHHH! It’s finally happening! You all HAVE to watch this show so I have other patriots to talk to it about!”
Elsewhere in the right wing media space, other Trump-supporting pundits have proven unable to turn Heated Rivalry into grist for the ever-churning conservative outrage mill. Repeatedly, far right media figures have proven unable to resist the charms of the low budget Canadian sensation about hot gay hockey players hooking up.
“Sure, I stand by my previous comments that Antifa uses DEI to groom your children using drag queen story time,” insisted former Fox News host Tucker Carlson, “but I also cannot deny that Shane and Ilya are the best-looking couple ever, and that their love is so pure that it’s all I can post about on my secret Tumblr.”
Meanwhile, Ben Shapiro has retooled his daily syndicated political commentary radio show into a Heated Rivalry rewatch podcast. “Question to all you listeners, if I can convince my wife to start watching HR with me, do you think that might get her wet for the first time in our marriage? The phone lines are open.”
Back in Burnham’s studio, he continued tearfully addressing his loyal “Burnheads” as he cued up episode 6 of Heated Rivalry. “Well, I’m absolutely beside myself with anticipation as I wait to see what sexy mischief happens at Shane’s cottage, oh, and uh, all Americans should obey ICE, I guess, and the President’s threats to invade Greenland totally make sense… I’m sorry, I just cannot focus on anything other than these two hunks and their magnificent love!!!”
By the end of the day, #HeatedRivalrySeason2NOW was the top trending topic on Truth Social.
In a related story, online betting markets for NFL games have been completely eclipsed ever since red state voters began gambling on the latest season of Drag Race Canada.
