CALGARY, AB – A raucous weekend at the Calgary Stampede has left local hospitals, already dealing with a rash of measles cases, further scrambling to deal with an influx of residents and tourists burning up with chlamydia.
Alberta currently has its highest measles count since 1979, but health experts are more concerned about the bacterial STI which always accompanies the Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth, and is especially widespread after this year’s frenzied festivities.
“Between the measles outbreak and now chlamydia, Calgary is just teeming right now,” said Isabelle Jones, head of Infectious Disease at Rockyview General Hospital. “To give you an idea of how bad things are here, we’ve had to do the unthinkable. That’s right, we’ve had to ask the city of Edmonton for help.”
When questioned about the ongoing outbreaks, a UCP spokesperson scoffed at the idea of disease outbreaks in general. “Measles? That’s a funny word. Seems like something the NDP would make up to scare people. As for chlamydia, well, that’s also a funny word. And if Albertans are smart they’ll vote UCP for a chlamydia-free Alberta in 2027. Or they’ll vote UCP for a chlamydia-full Alberta in 2027, whichever one sounds best to them.”
Despite the growing measles and chlamydia threats in Alberta, one Stampede-goer says no disease outbreak is going to stop him from enjoying himself.
“Measles isn’t a big deal. It’s just Carney pulling the strings, trying to trick us into getting another shot,” said Gregory Stone. “Chlamydia’s not a problem either. Yes, it burns like fire when I pee, but I’ll have you know I’ve got it fully under control without even having to go to a quack doctor.” He then proceeded to take a single dose of ‘azithromycin’ he bought from some guy near the Ferris wheel.
Next year, Alberta Health Services is confident they can prevent this annual STI explosion by partnering with the Stampede to sell limited-edition branded condoms for the low price of just $120 per rubber.
