TORONTO – Renegade doctor Lance Falcon is shocking the medical establishment with his brilliant but wildly unorthodox thoughts on where your new liver should go, according to dazzled reporters.
“My so-called ‘teachers’ told me the liver belongs right above the stomach,” Dr. Falcon told the press. “But while nature may put a liver there, I don’t see why that means Dr. Falcon should put a liver there.”
Dr. Falcon’s controversial new Falcon Technique instead places the liver behind the kneecap, which he insists offers it greater protection.
“I put it behind the left kneecap of a right-handed person, and vice versa, to draw the poison that enters the body away from your favoured arm,” Dr. Falcon explained. “And if you ever find yourself in a knife fight? Well, no one’s going to stab you in the kneecap.”
The Falcon Technique’s early results have been mixed, with some patients reporting difficulty walking, processing alcohol, and staying alive. Dr. Falcon, however, insists the process is flawless, blaming its negative side effects on “whiny ingrates who think they know better than me.”
Other patients have, however, expressed satisfaction with the Falcon Technique, reporting a lighter feeling in their guts and a pleasant squishing sensation when they walk.
“Dr. Falcon was kind of a jerk, but in a way that made me think he was really smart,” one patient said. “Plus he rearranged all my ribs for me while he was in there.”
Regardless of the Falcon Technique’s efficacy, Dr. Falcon is seen as a dashing, charismatic rogue by his peers, who all wish they could either be him, sleep with him, or sabotage him to steal a portion of his limelight.
“Dr. Falcon is a loose cannon, but there’s no denying that he gets results,” said the hospital administrator. “Many of his results are suboptimal, but still, he gets them.”
At press time, the combination of Dr. Falcon’s staggering intellect and flagrant disregard for the archaic rules those stuffy bureaucratic pencil pushers try to enforce was getting his hospital sued again.
