OTTAWA – With Americans voting today to determine the next President of the United States, every single Canadian has announced plans to keep their lights shut off in hopes that they will not get drawn into any mess that inevitably ensues.
With polls showing an incredibly tight race between Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump, Canadians are hoping to stay unnoticed above the 49th parallel.
“We Canadians normally keep to ourselves on this continent,” explained Mary Kilmartin, of Burnaby. “But whenever one of their American election nights rolls around, we prefer to just draw the curtains, park the car in the garage, and hope that they keep any armed insurrections on their side of the border.”
From British Columbia to Newfoundland all Canadian porch lights, street lamps, and LED billboards have been shut off, in hopes that any rioting American voters assume that all 40.1 million Canadians “are away on vacation or something”.
Harvinder Sharma of Mirimachi adds, “When I go outside to clean up tomorrow morning I hope it was one of those ‘eggs and toilet paper’ kind of US election nights, as opposed to a ‘mobilize the national guard’ kind. You never know with neighbours like this.”
While the bitterly contested election is decided, a majority of Canadians have indicated plans to “stay inside and watch Love Island with the sound down low”, whereas others intend to “head out entirely and go get dinner someplace, like France.”
Brian MacMurray, who lives on the border at Windsor, ON, reported upon peeking through his venetian blinds: “Aw hell, I see a bunch of Americans roaming around the streets all dressed up in camouflage and flag costumes. I can’t tell if they’re looking to start trouble, or if that’s just how they normally dress.”
Should tonight’s election devolve into a full-blown civil war, Prime Minister Trudeau has announced further plans for Canadians to put a bowl of fun-sized Snickers out on the porch in hopes that Americans will just take them and go away.
