NOVA SCOTIA/NEW BRUNSWICK BORDER – Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has met with far-right extremists camped out on the border between Nova Scotia and New Brunswick, for the purpose of workshopping conspiracies for the summer season.
“It was a heck of a road trip, but I just had to visit my Tinfoil Hat Bros for advice on some new Justin Trudeau theories I’ve been working on,” stated the likely future leader of Canada, while awkwardly attempting to tuck his rumpled white shirt back into his pants.
Poilievre added, pointing to a Diagolon flag scrawled on the side of the protestors’ RV, “Who knows more about banger conspiracies than an accelerationist white supremacist militia network that the US Department of State’s Bureau of Counterterrorism has called ‘extremist’!”
Upon arriving, Poilievre began reading the brainstormed notes he had scrawled on the back of a tiny “Fuck Trudeau” flag. “We’re going to kick June off with a video of me saying that Justin is going to start charging Canadians $1000 every time they criticize him online. That was my idea. And then Tammy suggested saying that Chrystia Freeland is going to put all Conservative kids into LGBT training and recruitment camps, so that dinger will be our August opener.”
An excited Poilievre wouldn’t reveal what conspiracy he had planned for Canada Day, but we managed to spy the words “Trudeau + Fireworks + Chemtrails?” with a picture of what appeared to be burning Canadians running for their lives.
“Let’s be honest,” Poilievre shrugged, “I can say whatever I want and still become the next Prime Minister, so why not have some summer fun with it?”
Convoy protestor and “QAnon North” expert Brent Derwood excitedly stated that, for some reason, no politician had ever asked him and his friends for advice before.
“It’s about time these elites from Ottawa came to us for help in spreading insane, unchecked, and dangerous theories across the country,” Derwood stated, taking a break from spray painting a picture of Trudeau’s face with vampire fangs onto the side of his truck. “Hell, as far as I’m concerned it’s not summer without us posting at least one article about how liberal vaccines are making your guns gay.”
At press time, Poilievre had hired a skywriter to craft a message thanking Alex Jones for his recent endorsement.
