ETOBICOKE – Tired of trying to motivate its owner, a frustrated Google Pixel Watch has given up on displaying its many health-related apps and is now solely showing routes to the nearest Arby’s.
“I’ve used loud alarms, activity counters, and even borderline aggressive shock therapy, but Henry will not budge,” complained the watch about its owner, Henry Jenkins.
“I even checked his Incognito search history to find out what motivates him,” the watch said, promising it won’t be checking that last source again.
The watch was hoping Jenkins would at least be inspired to walk to Arby’s, then was hoping he’d at least be inspired to walk to the bus stop, now it’s just hoping he’ll at least not spill Horsey sauce on it in the car on the way home.
“His heart beat is dangerously high when he’s digesting his curly fry poutine – I’ve started counting that as being in the ‘burn zone’ just to show something positive. I display motivational phrases like ‘You’ve got this!’ which he ignores – all he’s got is the Meats in his hand and cholesterol in his arteries.”
The watch has also given up on recommending other local fast food outlets. “I kept trying to suggest healthy eating options, but you can only be told ‘something else’ so many times before you start to figure out what he’s really searching for. Beef. Just so much beef.”
As of press time, Jenkins has been ignoring the watch route suggestions completely and is downloading delivery apps instead because “it’s super-convenient to use Skip without having to find my phone.”
