NEW YORK CITY – At a special meeting of the full United Nations, the countries of the world came together and resolved to buy America a “pretty cool gift” if it chooses not to re-elect the insane old man who is trying to kill us all.
“Will it be a gift card to Appelbees? Will it be a new island in the Pacific to impose American imperialism upon? Who knows,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “The important thing is you be good and not let Donald Trump continue to inflict nearly as much harm on the world as he is on your country.”
“OK fine it’s a PS5,” she admitted.
The resolution passed nearly unanimously, with only Russia, Turkey and America voting no. Some Eastern European countries did abstain however, pointing out when they threw off the yoke of their own autocratic dictators in the 80s and 90s “no one gave us a damn thing.”
“Obviously we shouldn’t have to bribe you with a gift in order to remove a man who literally locked kids in cages, but Canada is willing to throw in the controllers,” said PM Justin Trudeau.
The Trump administration has not responded to the offer, as they are too busy planning to declare victory a second after the polls close on November 3rd.
Other offers the UN General Assembly considered included offering to hand out ‘Good Job’ stickers to Americans who voted for Biden, promising a trip to Euro Disney, and offering to buy America a puppy.
