TUSCALOOSA, AL- The latest in an underwhelming series of coronavirus parties at a University of Alabama frat house has reportedly failed to create a single new case of COVID-19.
“This party blows. There’s more corona in the fridge than there is in peoples’ lungs,” said second year student Langston Wilkes. “I came to get my sick on, but there’s only one licking pole getting passed around. I guess I’ll have to endanger my health the 2010 way – binge drinking, poorly synthesized party drugs, and jumping off roofs for the hell of it.”
Iota Lambda Lambda has been reportedly throwing coronavirus virus parties for the past several weeks now, to the constant disappointment of all attendees leaving in good health. Many revelers are expressing frustration with having to test for the virus at the door, as nasal swabs are largely considered by most students to be “only slightly worse than butt chugging”.
The lack of symptoms among the party goers is leading to uncertainty as to who, if any, will be the one to claim the cash prize for catching the virus first. “I don’t think anyone has a chance of catching anything here. I think I might have even seen one person washing their hands,” explained postgraduate student Mila Rastings. “I should’ve just gone to the Russian Roulette tournament across town. I had a much better shot of winning the pot there.”
The hosts of the Iota Lambda Lambda party are reportedly baffled by the lack of infection. “It’s so weird. Usually, someone always gets sick at our parties,” said longtime frat brother Brock Jenkins. “This seemed like such a good idea after our H1N1 fundraiser. We sold so many samples of H1N1 that year.”
At press time, many people have since left the party after hearing another across down the street has a guy from Brazil kissing everyone as they walk inside.
