LYTTON, BC – A black bear found itself with a cheeky new accessory and a hazy memory after a wild night on Friday.
The bear, 5, struggled to recall an exact timeline that led to the tag being attached to its ear. “Well I started the night off eating some berries at around 6 PM. Then I went down to the river for a few drinks with some buddies. Crepuscular Hour ended and I should’ve been making my way back home, but the wind changed and we caught the scent of honey in town, I’m pretty sure it was the other guys call to head for it.”
Gary Hillborn, owner of Gary’s All-Natural Honey, awoke to find the bears destroying his bee hives. “They were taking honey by the pawful, really making a mess, I came outside to scare them off and they bolted into town.”
What followed was a honey-fueled bear bacchanalia as the caniforms descended on this once peaceful town. One local described the chaos as “like some kind of furry bachelor party, but not like, a ‘furry’ bachelor party, y’know?”
After they destroyed a series of garbage cans and compost bins authorities caught up with the bears trying to climb into the local public pool.
They scattered with just the one failing to escape.
Upon hearing this the bear was incredulous, “Of course those assholes totally ditched me. And we were supposed to go fishing today…”
When asked if there was anything to take away from the experience the bear responded, “I really gotta stop hanging out with those dudes, this can’t keep happening. I’m going to walk back to my woods and think things over, maybe score some roadkill… But I have to admit this ear tag does make my radio-collar pop.”
