OTTAWA – After census data revealed the average Canadian household contains 1.5 children, Stats Canada raided 3 million homes, rescuing some 1.5 million mutated blobs of half-formed human flesh.
“We thought this sort of thing couldn’t happen in 2017,” said Stats Canada officer, Jim Lee. “Children hidden in the deepest crevices of homes, as if their misshapen, gelatin-like bodies were somehow shameful.”
Reports confirm the children were rescued by an elite force of black-op statisticians, and then handed over to any social workers able to look at them without getting sick.
“We had to rescue these vulnerable, uh, children?” said Stats Canada Trooper Stacey Douglas, as she wrapped a blanket around a bulbous skin-sack containing a leg and two kidneys, “Little Rodney here deserves a dignified life just as much as any child with an endoskeleton.”
Rescuers were trained how to deal with the specific trauma these rescued children suffered, and comforted each with half of a teddy bear.
When asked what he would name the bear, one of the children simply told reporters “Ggggghhhhhhhhh,” before releasing a clear fluid from its only nostril. “Ghhhhhhhhrrrrrhhhhhhhhgggggggggggg????”
MPs are divided on how to house the rescued .5 children, with Liberals suggesting the problem be solved with some sort of tax credit, and Conservatives arguing that if the kids want homes they should have inherited them.
