OTTAWA – After census data revealed the average Canadian household contains 1.5 children, Stats Canada raided 3 million homes, rescuing some 1.5 million mutated blobs of half-formed human f…
Nation’s Millennials celebrate four days of time-and-a-half pay
CANADA- The nation’s underemployed Millennials have reason to be excited as this July 1st weekend marks the ancient four-day celebration of time-and-a-half pay, thus allowing them to finally earn…
The Beer Store launches delivery service in Scarborough to comfort citizens forced to live in Scarborough
SCARBOROUGH — Starting Tuesday, residents in Scarborough will be able to have their beer delivered straight to their door, saving them from having to go out into the barren suburban sprawl …
Woman at gym can’t find a non-weird place to do glute bridges.
KINGSTON, ON – Local fitness enthusiast Rebecca Lee is currently on her third lap around the gym, hoping against hope she’ll find a place to do glute bridges without an audience. “I’m not s…
Local strapless bra’s woman just going to slide up all night
TORONTO- Despite its best efforts to stay in place, a local strapless bra is spending its entire evening trying to keep club-goer Darla Smith from sliding out of its supportive grip. “They keep p…
High school prom committee just trying not to be racist this year
Kitchener, ON – While most prom committees spend the bulk of their budget on venues, decorations, and catering, this year’s committee at Henry Dow Secondary School is putting 90% of its mon…
Inclusivity win! Disney adds gay character to ‘Song of the South’ remake
Get ready Disney fans. In a progressive move, Disney has promised its new Song of the South remake will also feature a gay character. “We understand that times have changed, and we need to change…
Woman not sure why cousin liked her Facebook photo at 3 in the morning
MONCTON- According to recent reports, local woman Sophie Adams is still not entirely sure why her cousin liked her Facebook photo at 3am. “Best case scenario, Tom’s in a different time zone, or h…
NSA unveils new line of ‘TOTALLY NORMAL’ appliances
Fort Meade, MD. – Following Trump senior counselor Kellyanne Conway’s speculation that Trump was wiretapped with a microwave, the US National Security Agency unveiled a new line of home app…
Kevin O’Leary vows to prioritize mediocrity over diversity
OTTAWA – A day after declaring the prime minister’s cabinet was mediocre because ‘diversity’ was prioritized, Kevin O’Leary has vowed to prioritize mediocrity instead. “If elected, I will e…