VANCOUVER – No official outdoor Canucks viewing parties will be held in Vancouver during the NHL playoffs, prompting angry fans to make due by drunkenly smashing their own possessions.
“I have fond memories of the year we competed for the Cup against Boston or Carolina or whoever it was,” said self-proclaimed hardcore fan Dennis Ford. “I tore down a stop sign right after Robbie Lugnut let in the final goal. Now, thanks to this bullshit decision, I’ll have to rip out a lighting fixture in my living room when the Canucks inevitably disappoint us again.”
“I already threw a rock through my bathroom mirror after we lost game two,” said an anonymous fan as they spilled cheap beer on their signed jersey. “And I’ll fuck up my bedroom mirror next to prove a point about freedom or roster construction or whatever.”
While countless Canucks fans have expressed their vaguely coherent disappointment at the city’s decision, Mayor Ken Sim is adamant that the full might of Vancouver’s police force is needed to harass homeless people, and that no officers can be spared to haul off loaded yahoos for vandalising small businesses or trying to have sex in the road.
“Canucks fans rioted in 2011, and they’ve only grown more frustrated with their empty lives in the years since,” said Sim. “In the interest of public safety, we’re not going to let those ornery bastards congregate. Besides, Thatcher Demko is injured, so this will all be over in a week or two anyway.”
Despite the lack of watch parties, Canucks fans are committed to embarrassing themselves on an international stage.
“I was a stupid drunken idiot in 1994, I was a stupid drunken idiot in 2011, and goddammit, I’m going to be a stupid drunken idiot in 2024,” said lifelong fan Allison Baker. “The Canucks are a huge part of this community, and nothing brings a community together like smashing it the fuck up because the puck didn’t bounce our way.”
Baker then threw an empty beer bottle at her mantelpiece, which struck her father’s urn and shattered it into a dozen pieces.
At press time, the first bad call against the Canucks had prompted Mayor Sim to set his own couch on fire.
Photo: Andy L
