OTTAWA – Analysts tracking the ever growing list of actors, singers and the usual shady billionaires who want to buy the Ottawa Senators have concluded that they now outnumber the people who just like watching the team play hockey.
“Once you factor in the silent partners and conglomerate investors there are nearly 3,000 people trying to buy the team,” said researcher Kate Simmons. “The Senators fanbase is nowhere near that big.”
“Originally we thought the Sens had more fans based on ticket sales, but then we remembered that most of their sales are just Leafs and Habs fans buying tickets to root against the Senators.”
Prospective buyers of the team have at various times included Snoop Dogg, Russell Peters, The Weeknd, Neko Sparks, The Ontario First Nations Sovereign Wealth Fund and Ryan Reynolds. Meanwhile fans of the Senators include Jim, Neil, Steve and Steve’s son Jackson, although Jackson mostly just goes to spend time with his dad and would rather stay home and play Fortnite.
“Originally I was going to try to buy the Toronto Maple Leafs. But then I realized that even with the travel to Ottawa it would be cheaper to just buy the Sens,” said The Weeknd.
At press time several bidders had dropped out after realizing that the Tkachuk who plays for Ottawa isn’t the one everyone has been talking about for the last few weeks.