OTTAWA – As temperatures rise across Canada, reports are rolling in that the searing heat has eliminated the titillation watching someone eat a popsicle used to provide.
“My partner used to slowly savour the popsicles they ate. You know, really lick and suck them to appreciate the flavour,” said Taylor Eaton. “Now they immediately bite the head clean off in a desperate attempt to cool down.”
While the heat wave has caused popsicle consumption to skyrocket, few people are enjoying what is now a purely utilitarian experience.
“My husband is clearly eating popsicles because he feels obligated to, not because he wants to,” Adam Redmond said. “He thinks I haven’t noticed the difference, but believe me, I have.”
Public parks are full of people gulping down popsicles of all shapes and sizes, as people once shy about eating them in public are now devouring them.
“I never thought of myself as a public popsicle eater, but now I’m double fisting just to get a few minutes of relief,” one anonymous source said. “The only guy to approach me just wanted to know where I bought them, there wasn’t a single dirty thought on his mind.”
Even those who still derive some thrills from popsicle consumption have admitted that the heat provides rapidly diminishing returns.
“The first couple of popsicles my wife ate were still a little arousing, but at this point she has a pack a day habit and the effect has worn off,” said Brendan Swan. “Sometimes she tries to make one popsicle special, but when her face is still sticky from the last one it just doesn’t work.”
“I suggested we mix things up by having an ice cream sandwich, but she said she wasn’t into them, and now the whole thing is just awkward,” Swan added.
Sources also report that the stifling heat is causing bananas to rot before they can be eaten alluringly.