NEW YORK CITY – After being suspended from practising law in New York State due to his many “misleading statements” as personal lawyer to former President Trump, Rudy Giuliani has angrily vowed to appeal this decision “all the way up to the Supreme Court Total Landscaping!”
The former New York City mayor and SDNY prosecutor insisted he will fight this suspension, no matter how long he has to spend arguing in front of Supreme Court Total Landscaping, a small business located in Philadelphia, PA.
“This is an outrage and you had better believe Supreme Court Total Landscaping will hear all about it, even if I have to go stand outside after hours when all of the contractors have gone home for the day,” yelled a defiant Giuliani to no one in particular.
Following the 2020 election, the former “hero of 9-11” spent several months making unproven allegations in an effort to overturn election results for President Trump – claims he says he intends to repeat in front of the Supreme Court-themed lawn maintenance company. Giuliani also insists he “refuses to let Supreme Court Total Landscaping mow down my constitutional rights”, indicating that he kind of gets the joke, but also offering more questions than answers.
“We’re really not sure why he’s outside our offices, shouting so loudly,” said Tom Flenders, owner and general manager of Supreme Court Total Landscaping. “We mainly design and construct outdoor courtyards – hence ‘Supreme Court’. We’ve tried several times to explain this to Mr. Giuliani, but he just accused us of being part of something called the ‘Dominion Deep State’.“Honestly, I’d settle for him coming inside out of the hot sun,” added Flenders. “He’s quite old and I’m worried he might be getting heat stroke, but every time I offer him water he just screams ‘objection! objection!”, so it’s kinda hard to tell.”
“I actually worried he was melting at one point, but it turned out it was just his hair dye,” added Flenders.
Asked whether he understood that Supreme Court Total Landscaping was not a legal court, nor was the actual Supreme Court the proper venue for his complaint, Giuliani accused reporters of “trying to Borat me again,” and shoved his hands down his pants to “give ‘em the show they wanted.”
At press time, former President Donald J. Trump released a statement insisting “I have never met Rudy Giuliani in my entire life.”