EDMONTON – Jason Kenney frowned directly into the camera for several minutes before announcing a new set of restrictions to combat Alberta’s soaring COVID rates.
“Okay, you guys, this one’s for real this time, and I mean, like, for real for real,” Kenney said. “The activities we probably won’t monitor now need to have fewer people, and the fines we probably won’t enforce are now higher. But so help me God, if any of you are caught breaking these new rules I will do this.”
Kenney then furrowed his brow, cocked an eyebrow, and gave the province his best intimidating glare.
“Yeah, you see that? If hundreds of Albertans flaunt public health measures with another rodeo, or if my own party members rebel against me again, I’m going to bust that bad boy out. You want the ol’ Kenney Special right up in your face? I didn’t think so.”
Alberta’s new restrictions include rules that Kenney previously said wouldn’t work, rules that health officials begged for months ago, and an end to the patios that restaurants just expanded for the summer because Kenney had reassured them that previous health measures were sufficient.
“I promised Albertans that if you all followed my vague and contradictory guidance, we could have the best summer ever. Well, now you’re getting the summer of stern glowering, so buckle up,” Kenney said. “I know you have many questions that I refuse to take, but you need to take this.”
Kenney then offered another harsh glare that makes him look like a corrupt executive about to be kicked out of a skyscraper by Robocop.
“I call on all Albertans to follow these new rules, safe in the knowledge that enforcement will be lackadaisical and financial aid for affected jobs will be limited,” Kenney concluded. “But if you’re tempted to cheat, know that I am willing to return in July and burst a blood vessel on live television while trying to frown even harder.”
