TORONTO — The Federal Government offered to deploy the Canadian Red Cross today in order to provide Ontario with support for its vaccination clinics and healthcare system in the midst of a debilitating third wave of the pandemic. Premier Doug Ford immediately rejected the help, however, after realizing that red is a Liberal colour.
“Listen, folks, under no circumstances will the province of Ontario accept aid from a blatantly partisan organization like this so-called ‘Red Cross’,” Ford stated bluntly at a press conference this afternoon. “The Liberal agenda is right there in the name! If I let them through Ontario’s hospital doors, the next thing you know, your loved ones currently dying in makeshift hospitals will be calling for tax hikes and bike lanes.”
“Left-Wing Pinko Cross is more like it. Makes me sick.”
When reporters commented that Ford had asked provinces for the exact same aid that Trudeau was offering just yesterday, the Premier stood his ground.
“Look, friends, when I said that Ontario needed nurses, I meant blue nurses, not red nurses,” he clarified, holding up a picture of Jason Kenny in a nurse’s uniform he had pulled from his wallet. “It’s very, very simple. Blue = good. Red = bad. And don’t even get me started on Orange. Just be thankful they don’t have a cross yet.”
Prime Minister Trudeau admitted his concerns with Ford’s decision, but stated that his government was doing everything it could to compromise with the Premier.
“We are currently making headway with an idea to dye vital medical equipment and PPE blue with food colouring,” he explained. “Worst case scenario, I am prepared to personally paint Red Cross workers’ faces blue and just hope he doesn’t notice.”
At press time, Ford had contacted the Ontario Blue Cross to ask if any of their travel insurance agents were available to assist with emergency intubations.