CALGARY – With his firm forgoing plans for the usual Christmas party this year due to the current pandemic, paralegal Will Sanchez is worried that he will have nowhere to disgrace himself in front of people he sees every day.
“I’m really trying hard to think about where I can go this year, but I keep drawing a blank.” Sanchez said, panic buying rum and eggnog online. “The bars are all closed, my family sees me absolutely smashed all the time, and there’s nowhere else that my inappropriate jokes about my co-workers will land.”
When questioned as to whether not being able to damage his professional image was really a bad thing, Sanchez assured the press that it definitely was.
“Without that party, my drunken buffoonery just doesn’t work. I’ll have to clean up my own vomit, can only embarrass myself in front of my neighbour by dancing with my shirt off, and if I photocopy my genitals at home it’s just a common dick pic.”
“Honestly, I would’ve been fine with holding a virtual party or something COVID-friendly if I wasn’t worried Will would make a total ass of himself again.” Said Sanchez’ boss Petra O’Leary, whose respect he is in danger of gaining. “But after last year when he got his tie caught in a paper shredder and almost choked to death, I thought this was the best course of action. I don’t know if there’s a way to hit on the intern over Microsoft Teams, but trust him to find a way.”
At press time, Sanchez is worried that if the company also cancels secret Santa, he will be deprived of his greatest opportunity to show his co-workers what a cheap bastard he is.