TORONTO – Toronto Transit Commission representatives have shocked the city by revealing that the commonly used explanation for subway closures – signal upgrades – is simply code for all TTC employees to drop what they’re doing and join a massive fuckfest in the underground tunnels.
“We’re actually a little surprised no one caught on until now,” said TTC spokesperson Douglas Nonk, “If the subway actually had signals that needed upgrading, they’d definitely be upgraded by now.”
The admission came about after an internal TTC memo was leaked to the public which notified staff that the upcoming week’s orgy was going to be held in the dank, sweaty stretch between Pape and Donlands station. All staff were told to immediately cease all transit operations, grab a fistful of TTC branded cock rings, and “get elbow deep into your fellow co-workers”. Following the leak, curious Torontonians in search of the event confirmed stumbling upon the writhing mass of multicoloured, greasy flesh at track level.
“Once a week we all forget about corporate hierarchies or malfunctioning Presto systems and join our fellow workers in a no-holds barred sex pile in the dark Toronto nethers.” said Andrew Subranariam, a TTC toll collector, “It doesn’t matter what your job is topside, so if you come across [TTC CEO] Rick Leary in the moist grunt pit, you can look him in the eye, grab him by the hand as an equal, and place it onto or into whatever or whoever you want.”
“It’s great for morale!” he continued.
The revelation has also further exposed other codewords used by the TTC to mask salacious happenings. In a surprising media blitz, the TTC stated that “506 Broadview, 506 Broadview, please call control” is a BDSM master-slave notification for all TTC manager doms to immediately trigger the vibrator devices implanted in their employee subs. “Shuttle buses in effect” is an update that this week’s orgy will have a human centipede theme. “Intruder in subway tunnels” is exactly what you imagine it means.
“During last week’s “signal upgrades”, I was throwing one into Gord from accounting when suddenly I had a “fire at track level” and a “Coxwell Station” both within three minutes of each other. In turn, I gave the guy a “subway extension” until he let loose with a completely unexpected “downtown relief line”,” said Mary Fetter, a 40 year veteran TTC custodian, “and after it was over, we all washed off the stank, put back on our crisp TTC uniforms, and got back to providing the best damn service this city has ever seen!”
Despite the expected backlash to the deception, the TTC marketing department is planning to lean into the controversy by bringing back the classic slogan: “Ride the Rocket”.
