TORONTO – With the mayoral election less than a month away, John Tory is running on his record of turning Toronto into a stormwater-flooded city of breathtaking waterways.
“Imagine it,” said Tory, running a garden hose over a scale model of Toronto. “Azure canals spreading from Little Italy all the way to your basement. Bellisima.”
While Tory has faced criticism for standing in the way of City Council initiatives aimed at flood reduction, many have praised his pilot project replacing the King streetcar with a vaporetto.
“Unless one restaurant owner complains about it,” Tory clarified.
“Yes, the flooding causes millions in damage, but consider the upsides,” said Tory. “TTC drivers singing “O Sole Mio’, cyclists being run over by elegant gondolas, a regatta down University avenue ending at Queen’s Park, which we’ve now started calling ‘the Doug’s Palace’.”
The campaign seems to have polarized the city; suburbanites like Giorgio Mammoliti say that flooding Toronto will make it easier to drive downtown, while downtown residents say the city should focus more on not having people drown in the elevator.
At press time, the country’s premiers had vowed to work on a climate plan as soon as flooding struck a city they didn’t hate.