NORTH POLE – Following weeks of speculation, two members of Santa’s prestigious team of reindeer have announced they are planning temporary resignation in order to undertake military …
Tag: Holidays
Woman banishes malfunctioning vibrator to Island of Misfit Sex Toys
EDMONTON — Melissa Soares, frustrated with the sub-optimal aspects of her rabbit vibrator, has evicted it from her night-stand, exiling it to the Island of Misfit Sex Toys. “The gals on Sex and …
Study: Seasonal depression cured by wrapping paper scissor glides
St. Catharines, ON – In a groundbreaking study by Brock University, researchers have identified the long-awaited cure for seasonal depression: the sweet, sweet satisfaction of gliding a sha…
Investigative Report: Ice cream scoop of stuffing makes any meal a festive special
TORONTO – After evaluating hundreds of fast food and casual dining restaurants across Canada, an in-depth investigation revealed that the key to a successful festive special is offering an …
Retailers guarantee to have worse version of what you want in stock for holidays
EDMONTON – Retailers across Canada want to assure Canadian consumers that despite global supply chain issues and shortages, they guarantee to have the worst version of what you want in stoc…
“My, how you’ve grown,” report nation’s wolves-in-grandma’s clothes
OTTAWA – Across Canada, thousands of wolves-in-grandma’s clothes expressed delight at how much their “grandchildren” have grown since the last time they’ve seen them. “Uh why are my ears so…
Precocious orphan affects English accent in desperate bid for “s’more”
LONDON, ON – Having pursued multiple avenues to acquire additional portions of food, local orphan Gordon Durnin has adopted an English accent in an audacious attempt to get “s’more.” “S’mor…
Nine perfect holiday gifts to show over video chat but never actually deliver
Whether it’s reduced income, unpredictable delivery times, or unexpected shipping expenses, the pandemic has been challenging for all of us looking for the perfect holiday gift or gifts! With man…
Local Buddhist parents frustrated as child desires nothing for Christmas
NORTH DELTA – Local parents Leonard Durry and Evan Takada, practising Buddhists and parents of Avyda Durry-Takada, age 8, have been stymied by their daughter’s total lack of interest in rec…
Legault to reinstate holiday gatherings if Quebecers promise to kiss on only one cheek
Montreal – Following backlash after cancelling holiday gatherings, Quebec Premier Francois Legault suggested that Quebecers could see friends and relatives if they swear to only kiss them o…