King Joffrey vows vengeance on Royal Baby
KING’S LANDING – Ravens flooded the capital city of Westeros with word that the wife of Prince William of Windsor, Katherine of Middleton, has been delivered of a baby boy named George, who…
Concordia University to replace photography courses with Instagram
Beginning in the Fall 2013 semester, students in Concordia’s photography program will only be taught to use the Instagram app on their phones The image-filtering service, which is best-known for …
STM managers get big pay raise reward for 30-minutes of uninterrupted service
MONTREAL – Service on Montreal’s public transit network was entirely on schedule for half an hour on July 20th, earning the STM’s executives a 5% increase on their 2012 salaries. “With the …
Optimist goes blind after staring at the bright side for too long
CORNER BROOK, NF – A local man is unable to perceive reality after focusing for too long on the bright side. 36 year-old Brad Smallwood reportedly lost his faculties last Thursday after dreaming …
Jenny Craig introduces new ‘All Self-Loathing Diet’
WOODBRIDGE, ON – In an innovative move, Jenny Craig executives announced a new branch of their program this week: a diet based entirely off of self-loathing. “It’s really quite simple,” exp…
I write horror stories because the real horror is society
By Derek Darklord Greetings, fellow-travellers down the night-highway of the macabre. I, of course, am Derek Darklord, and You, of course, will recognize my name from the covers of your favourite…
Feet numb with pride in Winnipeg as city is named World Slurpee Capital
WINNIPEG – 7-11 has crowned Winnipeg as the Slurpee Capital of the World for the 14th time in a row, making citizens’ feet and hands tingle with joy. “This is a big day for our city” mayor Sam Ka…
Nation’s Uncles demand to know who farted
CANADA – Detecting a “funky smell coming from under the table”, the nation’s uncles unanimously resolved to determine which of their thirty three million nieces and nephews “let that one ri…
Bartender with nosebleed just gutting it out until shift over
KAMLOOPS, BC – Although his nosebleed is barely contained by a rolled up piece of napkin, sources report that local bartender Eric Rawley is just going to dig real deep and ‘gut it out’ unt…
Woman wears flip flops just so she can catch people staring at her weird toe
HAMILTON – Although many people wear sandals in the summer, local woman Nancy Garland chooses to do so not out of comfort, but so that she can make others feel bad about staring at her defo…
