Batman vs. Superman movie pushed back to 2016 because it’s going so awesome
HOLLYWOOD – A spokesperson for Warner Brothers announced this week that the planned sequel to “Man Of Steel” would have its release date postponed by a year, purely because the project was …
Montrealers wonder when they can start ironically wearing toques again
MONTREAL – Temperatures in Montreal are fluctuating between chilly and cryogenically cold again leaving many to question when they can ironically wear a toque. “This sucks” declared 24-year…
John Tortorella suspended after behaving like John Tortorella
VANCOUVER – After last Saturday’s melee-filled game against Calgary, Vancouver Canucks coach John Tortorella has been given a fifteen day suspension for “behaving in a manner th…
Goldman Sachs predicts Canadian dollar will fall after they artificially lower it
NEW YORK, NY – Goldman Sachs’ computer models have predicted that the value of the Canadian Dollar will lower by as much as 12 cents compared to the US dollar in 2014 after they use an asto…
TTC suggests passengers just ‘buy a fucking car already’
TORONTO – Overwhelming customer complaints regarding long delays and crumbling infrastructure have prompted the TTC to suggest to its unhappy customer base “to grow up” and “buy a fucking c…
Israeli Prime Minister Stephen Harper returns after long visit in Canada
TEL AVIV – After nine long years travelling in Canada to promote his country, Israel’s prime minister Stephen Harper is finally back in his homeland. “From what I have learned, Canada is a …
Pont Champlain to remain terrible until 2025
MONTRÉAL – The City of Montreal has confirmed reports that the reconstruction of the Champlain Bridge will cause horrendous problems until 2025. “I know that we said that it would be finish…
34-year-old father barely has time to operate Twitter parody account
KITCHENER – Citing a hectic work schedule and a seemingly endless list of obligations to his wife and children, local husband and father Jason Forrey recently lamented that there were simply not …
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are we lying about when trying to woo complete strangers for a date? 1. Won a Nobel Peace Prize 2. Legitimate child of Nelson Mandela 3. Only has one cat 4. Capable of asking someone out fac…
New study finds that studies are very important
OTTAWA – A new study by the recently defunded Carleton University research institute has concluded that studies are very useful and should be commissioned much more often. “Our resear…
