WOODBRIDGE, ON – A pleasant end-of-week dinner at Alice Fazooli’s restaurant in Woodbridge was interrupted for many families yesterday evening when a ten-person mob of antipasto protesters stormed the...
Plucky investigative reporter found extremely dead
TORONTO – After spending several days delving into the dark world of political corruption, Ken Smead, a local idealistic reporter, has been found super-duper murdered. “Hoo boy,” said city coron...
Vancouver makes New Year’s Resolution to stop tempting gods with mortal hubris
VANCOUVER – In the wake of a magnitude 4.9 earthquake that struck the BC coast late Tuesday night, Vancouver City Council has unanimously passed a New Year’s Resolution to avoid invoking the wrath of ...
Health-conscious dweeb opts for knuckle salad
TORONTO – Local dorkazoid Lewis Milliken has turned down a knuckle sandwich being offered by several men in a dark alleyway, preferring instead to get a healthier alternative. “Normally I’d say ...
Body of Jimmy Hoffa discovered behind permanent retainer wire
DETROIT, MI – After a decades-long search, authorities have located the body of labour leader Jimmy Hoffa behind the permanent retainer wire of local 20-year-old Flora Williams. “It’s tough to f...
Bill Cosby accidentally says 36 different names when asked about sexual assault charge
PENNSYLVANIA – After being charged with sexual assault Bill Cosby has unintentionally said 36 different female names when answering questions from reporters. “Charges? Oh of course the charges a...
TTC reminds commuters not to lick subway tracks
TORONTO – In a repeat of last year’s campaign, the Toronto Transit Commission is reminding commuters not to leave the safety of subway platforms to lick the tracks. “You’re not impressing anyone...
Local dogs excited
TORONTO – A group of happy little buddies’ ears perked up earlier this week, as efforts were made to determine who among them was a good boy or girl. Upon discovery that they were in fact all go...
Smarter-than-average bear seems to have fashioned crude shiv
JELLYSTONE PARK, WY – A local bear seems to have used his higher-than-normal intelligence to turn a crushed soda can into some manner of rudimentary knife. “I’ve caught this bear trying to steal...
Worker bees unionize
MEDICINE HAT, AB – For the first time in apiary history, worker bees are organizing to stand up for their basic rights. “People think bees don’t need to sleep,” said Worker Bee #458909. “We just...
