Report: sleeping woman on subway has been dead for 3 weeks
TORONTO – Reports from those seated around her have confirmed that the women on the subway who all assumed to have been sleeping, is in fact dead, and has been for some time. “I first start…
Asian rights groups satisfied with invasive species name change from “Asian Carp” to “Mexican Carp”
WASHINGTON – US Asian rights groups are pleased to hear the Department of Natural Resources has decided to change the name of an invasive carp species from “Asian Carp” to “Mexican Carp”. N…
Instagram crash forces thousands of teenage girls to go unharassed by James Franco
SAN FRANCISCO – Thousands of teenage girls woke up this Saturday disappointed that they received no harassment whatsoever by actor James Franco due to an Instagram crash. “I thought m…
Local pulp mill improves matzah recipe
DRYDEN – After hearing numerous complaints, a pulp mill in Dryden, Ontario has decided to amend its method of manufacturing matzah bread on the eve of the Passover holiday. The Dryden Mill, which…
News editor brilliantly simplifies complex scandal for nation by adding ‘gate’
TORONTO – CBC’s News Now production meeting was running long until chief editor brilliantly suggested adding the word ‘gate’ to the main noun of the major story to simplify the whole complex scan…
Leafs add much needed size, scoring to front office
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs finally landed the big, scoring executive they’ve so desperately needed on Friday, when the team named Hall of Famer Brendan Shanahan as its new President. The m…
Workplace accidents fall to zero after factory institutes strict ‘walk-it-off’ policy
HAMILTON, ON – Metallic refinery ConCan Steel has made it through an entire year with a flawless safety record after implementing a revolutionary “walk-it-off” policy, where employees compl…
Stephen Colbert named new guy who older married couples fall asleep to
NEW YORK – CBS has announced that Stephen Colbert will take over for David Letterman as their flagship guy who puts married upper middle class Americans to sleep every night. “I look forwar…
NRA concerned about rise in knife-related violence in schools
WASHINGTON – The National Rifle Association is raising the alarm about knife-related violence in the American school system after a recent knife attack at a Pennsylvania high school. “We ar…
