Wacky Orca delights kids with curved fin
NIAGARA FALLS, ON – With his dorsal fin deformed into a zany semicircle by the repetitive stress of swimming in small circles, Marineland’s new star Orca, Kitsak, has already brought …
Workplace injuries up 300% after implementing new ergonomic trampoline desks
TORONTO – Ace Marketing, a mid-sized advertising agency located in Toronto, has suffered a three-fold increase in workplace injuries after switching out their usual sitting desks for a Swed…
CP24 to begin broadcasting entirely without audio
TORONTO – Local broadcaster CP24 has announced that, beginning next week, it will air all broadcasts with no sound or noise of any kind. “We noticed in our audience research that the vast m…
Ancient footprint reveals earliest evidence of humans stepping in dog shit
Calvert Island, BC – Researchers at UBC have uncovered possibly the earliest evidence of humans accidentally stepping in dog shit in North America. The turd, which has been radiocarbon date…
Michael Chan accused of holding office while being non-white
TORONTO – Earlier this week CSIS accused Michael Chan, the Ontario Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and International Trade, of holding office while not being white. “Sure, when we made…
Creative writing graduate now has skills to imagine job he’d be qualified for
WINDSOR – Following his convocation earlier this week, creative writing graduate Kyle Rapoport, 22, is using his refined expertise to pretend that there are jobs he could do. “The market ma…
Study: U.S. incarcerates higher percentage of population than prison planet 47-D56
WASHINGTON D.C. – A new study by the ACLU has determined that the United States of America imprisons more of its citizens on a per-capita basis than any state in the galaxy, including the r…
Local dad still doesn’t know how to operate Father’s Day gift
MISSISSAUGA – Danielle Norstrom has confirmed that after hours of “shouting and carrying on” the 2 terabyte portable media player and hard drive that their son Derek, 23, gave to her husban…
God orders recall of several million white men
HEAVEN – Citing easily damaged feelings, an ego that improperly inflates, and a tendency to dangerously explode for no reason, the All-Supreme Being has ordered a massive recall of white me…
Dad not too keen on sushi
OAKVILLE—Witnesses are reporting that despite being open to it if others feel strongly about it, Dad is not incredibly keen on going to the nearby sushi restaurant favored by his family. “It’s ju…
