Local barbecue going pretty we- OH CHRIST THAT MOTH IS HUGE
WINDSOR – As the burgers cook and the keg is already half-empty, it seems that a local BBQ is going to be a big succe- OH JESUS WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING? “It just came pinwheeling out of…
Zero injured after sinkhole swallows entire Pan Am stadium
TORONTO – Disaster was narrowly avoided yesterday after a sinkhole opened up under the Pan Am stadium during track and field finals, a tragedy that could have been even worse had anybody be…
Toronto City Hall demands tighter kickbacks from Uber
TORONTO – In the wake of a crackdown on UberX drivers, city of Toronto officials are demanding that Uber comply with the same stringent code of semi-legal bribery that currently governs the…
Feeling dead on the inside now a requirement for federal government jobs
OTTAWA – All federal departments and Crown Corporations will now have an added job requirement: feeling completely empty, hopeless and void of human emotion. Treasury Board President Tony C…
Toronto girl opposes Osheaga headdress ban citing tradition of cultural appropriation
TORONTO — After the news that Aboriginal headdresses will not be allowed at Montreal music festival Osheaga, Toronto party girl Becky Cotter has been protesting the ban citing her family’s …
Iran and US agree to destroy world slowly via nuclear power instead
WASHINGTON – World powers and Iran struck a historic agreement Tuesday; Iran has agreed to curb its nuclear capabilities, putting the possibility of nuclear weapons out of reach, and drawing prai…
QUIZ: What Does Your Personal Information Say About You?
Sponsored quiz by: Authenic Quiz Corpp 1. What is your credit card number? A) 4530 1500 8503 0048 B) 4568 9304 1198 2283 C) 8492 9204 2748 2203 2. What’s your favourite password? A) My moth…
Justin Trudeau insists new beard completely unrelated to polls
VANCOUVER – Justin Trudeau arrived to a speaking engagement today with what witnesses say was a kempt, salt-and-pepper beard that gave him an air of maturity he had previously lacked in the…
Astronomical Union threatens planetary status of Neptune if funding demands not met
PARIS – In a surprise press conference this morning, International Astronomical Union President Norio Kaifu announced that, unless funding goals were met within the next 24 hours, the body would …
Occasion to drink, do drugs marred by presence of music lovers
ATLIN, BC – In what should have been a fun, substance-fueled weekend for a group of young people has been ruined by well-behaved music lovers attending a weekend festival. Local youths were…
