HEAVEN – In an unprecedented public statement earlier this week, God, the Supreme Lord and Master of the Universe, Blessed be He, issued a heartfelt apology for the creation and proliferation of snakes.
“There comes a time in any divine being’s immeasurable existence when he/she must be a bigger God and admit their mistakes,” God pronounced. “And the writing on the wall is quite clear: humanity generally doesn’t like snakes. My bad.”
Snakes, or Ground Nightmares as they are known in certain areas, are often thought to have been present on earth since 167 million years ago, or the fifth day after the creation of time and space, depending on who you ask. While some cultures and subgroups revere the creatures, the vast majority of people find them totally creepy.
“I tried to give them a bad-boy vibe with that whole Eve and apple story, but that didn’t work,” God stated regretfully. “And my attempted reboot with ‘Sea Snakes’ seemed to just make things a whole lot worse, keeping large swaths of people out of the ocean for fear of running into one.”
Continuing this line of ineffable thought, God confirmed that his planned line of “Sky Snakes” will be immediately discontinued.
God’s announcement has apparently surprised many religious scholars, with many expecting an apology for sharks or spiders well before snakes. Given their allegorical potence, it is still unclear how this will impact religious understandings of original sin, the devil, and the film Anaconda. Other commentators are pointing out the backhanded language used by the Heavenly Father in the recent statement. Rather than outright saying sorry for the creation of snakes, God specifically stated “I’m sorry for the way snakes make you feel” – an important distinction
“I’m sorry they weren’t as popular as I’d hoped they’d be,” God continued, “I mean, sure, I didn’t expect them to go ‘panda’ big but I thought they’d be better received than they were. Maybe you all just didn’t get them.”
“I just need everyone to go with me on this. I’ve got a plan for things and I need everyone’s faith for just a bit longer. Frankly, I think you’re all going to be super surprised to see what evolutionary developments I have in store for centipedes in 2016. Think more legs. Think 10 times better at silently crawling up your pants!”