New app locates hottest nearby places to curl up and die
SAN FRANCISCO – Taking Silicon Valley by storm, the new smartphone app ‘Surrendster’ uses GPS technology to find the hippest nearby place for you to go, cough once or twice, and…
UPDATE: Same old shit happening in Gaza again
TEL AVIV – Both Palestinian and Israeli sources have confirmed today that the “usual crap” is currently taking place in Gaza, and that they have “fucking had it.” “I’m tired of all this shit,” sa…
Supreme Court overturns Alien v. Predator
WASHINGTON – The United States Supreme Court issued a shocking 5-4 ruling on the landmark case of Alien v. Predator, ruling that the intergalactic hunters’ (“Predators”) victory violated th…
‘Smoke’s’ announces it will now throw out half of your poutine for you
CANADA – Lover’s of Smoke’s Poutinerie nation-wide are breathing a joint sigh of relief, as the company implements a new service policy letting them throw out half of each pouti…
Man late for meeting wins Honda Indy
TORONTO – Human Resources Director Tom Biddlesworth is the latest driver to win the Honda Indy after he found himself late for an important meeting across town. Using a series of last-minut…
Citing need to appeal to younger demographic, Edmonton rebrands itself “edmntn”
EDMONTON – City officials announced this week that Edmonton would be undergoing a radical “re-branding” aimed at attracting younger residents and improving its klout score. R…
Telus animals seized in exotic baby animal smuggling ring
VANCOUVER – Vancouver police and the BC SPCA have uncovered a sophisticated exotic baby animal smuggling ring and arrested several Telus marketing executives who are implicated. “Telus was …
RCMP: Mike Duffy charged with accepting a bribe from nobody in particular
OTTAWA – RCMP officials announced this morning that suspended senator Mike Duffy will face 31 charges, namely accepting a $90,000 bribe from some guy, or woman, perhaps, who probably isn’t …
Happy couple gives birth to increased carbon footprint
HAMILTON – A delighted Chantal and Martin Derevoix welcomed a brand new resource consuming, tax on the environment into the world yesterday. Weighing 7lbs and named Typhany, the increase in…
