HOLLYWOOD – With his Netflix comedy film Unfrosted debuting to abysmal reviews, 70-year-old comedian Jerry Seinfeld blames the failure on “extreme left, and PC college campus audiences”, unlike in his heyday, when the teenage girls he dated were fans of his comedy.
“Today’s young people wouldn’t know good comedy if drove up to their high school in a vintage Porsche and asked them out on a date,” explained Seinfeld in a handwritten statement that he faxed to various print newspaper journalists.
The billionaire senior citizen continued, “When I was picking up my now-wife after her AP Chemistry class, she was hip to all my current comedy references, like the Smothers Brothers, ‘Who’s On First’, and Bill Cosby records.”
Seinfeld added, “Her parents would’ve thought I was hilarious too, had I not explicitly forbidden her from telling them that we were dating.”
The 90’s sitcom titan continued to expound on how current comedy audiences have conspired against his brand of comedy. “What’s the deal with how today’s young people are all PC? They can’t even say ‘politically incorrect’ anymore, they gotta shorten it to just the letters PC because they’re too busy saying ‘we don’t like lazy jokes that punch down on the vulnerable’. Gimme a break!”
The comedian then went on to theorize at length about how current PC audiences were also to blame for making him 30 years older than he was in his 90’s heyday, thinning his hair, and how it was their fault that he can now “only find joy in my fleet of increasingly baroque classic automobiles”.
“I’ll tell you who wasn’t PC,” Seinfeld insisted, “1990’s underage teenage girls who were 21 years younger and had absolutely zero power in the relationship. They’d laugh at everything!”
“Comedy isn’t about laughing at things you like,” Seinfeld continued to write. “It’s about dutifully chuckling at things that your boomer generation boyfriend finds funny, like pop-tarts, and cereal mascots from 70 years ago, and some guy named Jack LaLanne. Now that’s comedy!”
Seinfeld is confident that youthful audiences will connect with his upcoming comedy project, a live vaudeville tour featuring himself, Bill Maher, Dennis Miller, the surviving members of Nichols and May, and a live hologram of Mickey Rooney from Breakfast at Tiffany’s when he was in yellowface.
