Local killjoy has realistic expectations for new Star Wars

TORONTO – After witnessing a myriad of kickass promotional materials and entire seconds of new footage in the latest trailer, area man Matthew Gertz is still refusing to express hyperbolic …

Company cuts costs by holding Christmas party in vacant bus shelter

MONTREAL — A local PR company opted for a thrifty locale to host their annual Christmas party this year — the vacant bus shelter across the street from the office building. With budget cuts and a…

Ben Carson calls for submarines to be stationed along entire U.S. Canadian border

LAS VEGAS – Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has publicly demanded that the US-Canadian border be secured by stationing US Navy submarines along its entire stretch. “We need to de…

Tipsy Kathleen Wynne urges grocery store shoppers to take off clothes, “get weird”

TORONTO – Appearing at a downtown Toronto grocery store selling beer for the first time since the province privatized sales, a visibly intoxicated Kathleen Wynne urged shoppers to join her in dis…

‘CBC and Chill’ fails to catch on with Canadian youth

TORONTO – An attempt by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation to capitalize on the modern hook-up practice of ‘Netflix and Chill’ has ended in abject failure after would be lovers reported …

New show on History reveals the past when network had shows about history

CALGARY — A new television program airing on History tonight will explore the not-so-distant past when the network had actual shows that examined the events that shaped the future. The show…

Canadians concerned majority of refugees haven’t been hugged yet

MONTREAL — An Ipsos-Reid poll of over 1,000 Canadians indicates that a majority of Canadians feel the 25,000 Syrian refugees have not received proper hugs. 63% of Canadians expressed some o…

LCBO website hacked by Anonymous Alcoholics

TORONTO – The website of the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, North America’s largest distributor of liquor and wine, was hacked last night by the notorious online group Anonymous Alcoholic…

Xbox Live player finally admits he didn’t fuck your mother

OSHAWA, ON — In an unexpected turn of events, Xbox Live user 420weedL0rd has admitted that he did not fuck your mother, despite earlier claims of having done so. Nearly three months after “…

Uncle just calling to say ‘how’s it going’, ‘9/11 was an inside job’

MARMORA, ON – After not having seen the family since Christmas, Uncle Dave has decided to just call and see what’s up, as well as remind you that he thinks 9/11 was perpetrated by the U.S. …