Local slacker asks girlfriend to be common-law fiancé
REGINA – Local slacker Jeremy Sampson recently asked Polly Peterson, his girlfriend of four years, to enter into a common-law-engagement with him over a cup of 7-11’s fanciest Ramen noodles…
MacKay: ‘Remember our brave troops during the Montreal Massacre Anniversary’
OTTAWA – Justice Minister Peter MacKay has reminded Canadians to honour Canadian soldiers on the 25th anniversary of the Montreal Polytechnique Massacre. “I urge all Canadians to remember t…
Fantino promises another $200 million to vets of the Boer War
OTTAWA – Veterans Affairs Minister Julian Fantino has announced over $200 million to be spend on veterans who participated in the South African Boer War. “Our veterans bravely served for Ki…
Grand jury refuses to indict NYPD officer for beheading
NEW YORK – A New York City grand jury on Wednesday declined to indict a police officer in the beheading of an unarmed African-American, 21 year old Shaun Peterson, concluding that the offic…
Fat guy, plus-sized woman walk through park holding hands
TORONTO – Observers at a local park yesterday watched as a really fat man walked holding hands with a curvaceous woman. “They were possibly a couple,” said one witness of the balding, overw…
God asks Jean Béliveau for two autographs, one for his son
HEAVEN’S GATES – After his recent passing, legendary Montreal Canadiens Jean Béliveau has already received a request for two autographs by God. “Holy flying Buddha!” exclaimed the deity for…
Darren Wilson resigns from Ferguson police to focus on being a full-time murderer
FERGUSON, MO – Following a grand jury’s decision not to indict him for killing unarmed teenager Michael Brown, Darren Wilson announced Sunday that he has resigned from the Ferguson police departm…
Food documentary changes local woman’s diet for 92 minutes
VICTORIA – Inspired by the shocking revelations about America’s obesity epidemic exposed on the recently released documentary Fed Up, local woman Jessica Hopkins totally transformed her eating ha…
Mayor takes ceremonial first leak on new bus stop
OSHAWA, ON – To commemorate the new bus stop being built on Rossland Road, Mayor John Henry unzipped his fly, and took the ceremonial first urination on the back wall of the stop. “I hope t…
Funeral procession teargassed after being mistaken for protest
TORONTO – Thirteen mourners are in hospital after police mistook the procession for a local doctor’s funeral for a demonstration. “Our job is to protect the city from violence and des…
