The Beaverton’s Year in Review: 2017, the Year that Sadly Was

  A satirical audit of the year’s unbelievable news; top 17 explosive news stories; top 10 sports highlights; a 2017 final point/counterpoint segment.…

Bryan Adams releases remastered version of “Summer of ’69” where he giggles every time he says “69”

LOS ANGELES – In celebration of Canadian rock singer Bryan Adams’ most beloved hit, Universal Records announced today that they will be releasing a remastered “honest” ver…

Raffi sinks millions into failed BananaPhone

Victoria BC – After ten years of research and development, acclaimed singer-songwriter, Raffi Cavoukian admits that he has been unable to produce a functioning smart device known only as the ‘Ban…

Google Maps error sends local couple to howling void

HOWLING VOID – Charlaine and Zach Cooper are livid after an error in their Google Maps app caused them to drive straight into the howling void. “You hear about Google accidentally sending p…

Senate refuses to pass bill removing all references to Bigfoot from “O Canada”

OTTAWA – The Senate continues to refuse to pass a House bill that would remove all references to the simian cryptid known as Bigfoot from Canada’s national anthem. “I’m tired of the PC poli…

Parliament Hill cancels NYE plans after failing to anticipate winter might be cold

OTTAWA – Many of the Canada 150 New Year’s Eve celebrations have been cancelled after event organizers failed to consider the possibility of winter. Despite the considerable cost and hours …

Historians uncover identity of the anus that the planet Uranus is named after

VIENNA – Historians focusing on the development of the study of astronomy have finally uncovered the answer to a mystery that has long puzzled modern scientists: whose anus is the planet Uranus n…

Bruce Cockburn makes good on promise to obtain rocket launcher, kills son-of-a-bitch

PICTON, ON – Legendary Canadian musician Bruce Cockburn has made good on his threat from his 1984 hit, “If I had a Rocket Launcher” and has finally made someone pay. The 72-year-old prolifi…

Help! A tall, bald man appears in my house every time I mop the floor

You’re not going to believe this, and I’m scared to even admit it, but every time I mop my kitchen floor, a hairless man with an earring, dressed entirely in white. I first noticed three months a…

Yoplait scientists discover liquid yogurt on Mars

GRANBY, QC — From the Carl C. Yoplait Centre for Excellence in Dairy Sciences, a team of Canada’s top dairy astronomists addressed members of the press, Friday, to announce their discovery …