Lucky bonspiel spectator catches game-winning curling stone
ST. JOHN’S – Dougie McDonough, 44, got to fulfill every curling fan’s dream yesterday at a bonspiel final when he caught the game-winning stone at the expense of the majority of his bones. …
Straight couple seeks fun-loving girl for night of bickering and mediocre sex
NEWMARKET, ON – A local straight couple is seeking a “fun-loving girl” to join them for a night of relentless disagreements capped off with uninspired boinking. Kristy Walker, 24, and her boyfrie…
“I know what I’m talking about”, says man who only read title of vaccine article
LONDON, ON – Local conspiracy theorist Grant Christopher, recently contributed to a discussion at his family table by assuring everyone that he completely understands the COVID-19 vaccine s…
Ford gov clarifies lockdown rules with new riddle
TORONTO – Facing criticism by Ontarians who don’t understand their new lockdown rules, the Ford government has sought to simplify matters by explaining everything through a simple rid…
Chris Evans rumoured to be in talks to reprise his universally beloved Marvel film character, Johnny Storm
LOS ANGELES – Superhero film fans are ecstatic at the news that Chris Evans is negotiating with Marvel to return to the role that made him an A-list celebrity and household name: Johnny Sto…
“WHAT’S IN THE VACCINE?” says man who doesn’t know what’s in his fridge
Barrie, ON – A local man unaware of the contents of his own refrigerator is demanding to know what is in the COVID-19 vaccine. Justin Travers, 34, is extremely concerned about the contents of the…
Man without savings account loves to discuss his concerns about the economy
CALGARY – A local man without a savings account has discovered a new passion for ripping on the nation’s complicated, finely balanced economy. “These are dark times for investors and financ…
In rare show of bipartisanship only 95% of Republicans vote in favour of man who tried to kill them
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a stunning display of bipartisanship nearly 5% of Republican Members of Congress voted to impeach the man who, exactly one week ago, sent a horde of white supremacists …
U.S. to upgrade sex-ed curriculum with screenings of Bridgerton
WASHINGTON – The United States Department of Education has announced plans to revamp the sexual education curriculum by adding clips of the newly released Regency-era period drama from Shon…
Grimes says she’s “enjoying” having COVID-19, being in relationship with Elon Musk
LOS ANGELES — Vancouver-born pop musician Grimes announced Monday that she had “finally” tested positive for COVID-19, calling the “DayQuil fever dream strangely enjoyable.” Since then, she has b…
