TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is expected to announce a province-wide stay-at-home order today, which will require everyone to remain at home unless they’re sick but cannot find anyone willing to cover their shift that day.
“This order is unfortunately necessary, to keep all the reckless young people from going out and partying,” lamented Ford. “The one exception we have allowed for is when you have an early opening shift and you only started getting sniffles the night before.”
“No co-worker is going to answer your texts for coverage at 7:00am anyways, so might as well hop on the TTC to work,” Ford added.
When asked to reconsider guaranteed paid sick days for Ontario workers, Ford reminded the public there is already a policy that covers that, referring to your co-worker Becky who’s always up for taking shifts while she tries to pay off her debilitating credit card debt.
“I asked my manager for the day off, because of the hacking cough I’ve had all week,” wheezed local barista Connor Oman. “She just quoted the stay-at-home order at me, which stated I should ask Gary to come in for me since he has more availability now that his mom finally died.”
The Ontario government is not expected to begin vaccinating most shift workers until Phase 72 in 2032, though they are considering bringing back banging pots and pans for them. In the meantime, as part of the order the provincial government is offering 25% off coupons for Tylenol Cold & Flu which should allow sick employees to stay in front-facing positions without grossing out too many customers.
“If the government really cared, they would have sprung for Sudafed,” added Mr. Oman, as he stuffed his sweaty, feverish body into his work uniform.
CEOs of several of Ontario’s most essential non-essential businesses have spoken out in favour of the order, which confirms how important their chains are that they can’t close for even a day during a global pandemic. At press time these CEOs were unavailable for follow-up questions, as they all took several weeks off work without anyone noticing.