SAN FRANCISCO – In a heartwarming display of solidarity, the entire community of the audio-only social media platform Clubhouse have banded together to make sure that you, specifically, never get an invitation to join.
“We were worried that Clubhouse would have the same kinds of polarization and tribalism that we see on other social media platforms,” said Rohan Seth, co-founder of the site. “So it’s been a huge relief to see the community set aside their differences and come together to decide that you have an irritating voice and terrible opinions and the whole website is just better off without you.”
“It turns out that you can get the internet to agree on something, and what they agree on is the fact that you’re the most person on Twitter, the most obnoxious person on Zoom, and you single-handedly ruin any social media platform that lets you join. I haven’t seen the internet band together and agree that one person sucks this bad since Kony 2012.”
Other users of the site – including most of your friends, several of your coworkers and the ghost of your childhood pet – have already gained access to the site, and wholeheartedly agree with the decision to not include you.
“Normally, I would do anything for my child,” said your mother, who has been using the app behind your back for at least three weeks. “But being a parent means having to make tough choices sometimes, and in my case, that means choosing not to let my cheesegrater-voiced offspring embarrass me in a room with Wiz Khalifa.”
At press time, Elon Musk was hosting a room just to remind fellow Clubhouse members that anyone caught inviting you to the platform would be jettisoned into the lifeless voids of outer space.