REPORT: Summer nights getting hotter in least horny way possible
WORLDWIDE – A recent report from Global Change Biology has confirmed that night-times are getting hotter on a global scale, but unfortunately not in a fun, sexy way. “We cannot stress enoug…
CBC forced to exclusively cover Cameroon’s Olympians after selecting wrong country in licensing menu
TOKYO – CBC reporters are rushing to familiarise themselves with the Cameroonian Olympic team after the broadcaster accidentally acquired the country’s rights. “And there’s Hortence Atangana, the…
Facing lawsuit, Blizzard argues female employees should have just acquired Anti-Harassment DLC
LOS ANGELES — After a lawsuit was recently filed against video game giant Activision Blizzard Inc. claiming that its female employees routinely experience sexual harassment, retaliation, an…
Tumultuous Green Party threatens to split into blue and yellow parties
OTTAWA — Weeks of infighting amongst the federal Green Party have settled into an uneasy peace after a proposed non-confidence vote over party leadership was called off Monday. But the damage may…
Liberal candidate dropped for boudoir photos as party only allows nudity on Zoom
DARTMOUTH – The Nova Scotia Liberals are defending their choice to drop candidate Robyn Ingraham over revealing photos, citing party rules that state that members can only have their nudes …
World leaders pause climate change talks out of respect for the burning Amazon
WORLDWIDE – World leaders are calling for a pause on climate change talks this week, out of respect for the Amazon rainforest which is now almost constantly on fire. “We were almost ready t…
Exhausted queer community asks why first out gay hockey player had to be a Predator
NASHVILLE, TN – In response to the groundbreaking announcement from Nashville Predators draft pick Luke Prokop stating that he is gay, celebrations within the spiritually-drained queer comm…
Space asks humanity to stop sending it trash
THE UNIVERSE – The unfathomable stellar expanse that comprises physical reality has politely asked the human race to cease and desist launching its trash off the planet. “It was bad enough …
Torontonians desperate for white friends with cottages who also like seasoning on food
TORONTO – Summer is in full swing, and as is customary, multiple locals have set out to try and acquire the rarest of rare humans- a white friend with a cottage who also likes food to be ad…
Unvaccinated Americans swayed by chance to visit Thompson, Manitoba
THOMPSON, MB — The federal government announced today that Canada will be opening its borders to fully-vaccinated Americans starting August 9th. Across the border, Ottawa’s announcement has seemi…
